Somewhere In Between

In another Universe, I never met him. I have never encountered his laughter or his smile. I have no idea what he looks like walking away. I have never heard his thinking noise or experienced the wrath of his stance with one hand on his hip. In this other Universe, my standards of humanity are still low. Consequently, I am probably still dating the wrong guy right now. I am still forcing smiles and faking laughter, among other things, and I don’t even realize all that I am depriving myself of. In this other Universe, I don’t even know that he exists. All I know is darkness. I feel so sorry for who I’m going to become. I pray for her all the time.

In another Universe, he texted me back. In this other Universe, we are still close. We worked everything out, and he acknowledged the damage he inflicted when he walked away that night. He apologized. He explained to me why had to go, but assured me that I was never what he was trying to leave behind. In this other Universe, we’re building something. He asked me to start over. We met some place for coffee. We laid all the cards out on the table, and we realized how well the hands we have both been dealt complimented one another. In this other Univrse, he is still here. This book was never written.

Right now, I am here, in the In Between Universe of still knowing him, and not knowing him at all. I’m stuck existing between what never was and what could have been. Here, I’m in the Universe where he left. Rumor has it that the Dooms Day Clock is set at ten seconds to midnight. Ten seconds, and all I can seem to worry about is why he won’t text me back. Here, I’m still not sure if that T-shirt he gave me to burn, and the drunken secrets that he whispered with his back turned, were an attempt to build something with me or an attempt to push me away. I’m not sure if this book is my attempt at letting him in, or a really dark parting gift to make him happy he didn’t stay. Here, I’m better for knowing him, but I’m still not the best version of who I could be, because he didn’t stay. I’m trying to find a way to exist around this giant void he created with his departure. Here, I am left trying to capture the miracle of his presence, because in the catastrophe of his absence, I am forever changed. In this Universe, I’m just trying to keep his memory alive because even though he is still alive, he isn’t here.

© Gina Clingan 2020
From my book, A Light In The Dark 💛
available on Amazon now! Grab your copy here: https://amazon.com/dp/B08KZBCDC5