Unholy
On days when the world
feels extra scary,
beneath the weight of uncertainty
and endless tragedy,
I think of you
and hope that you’re alright.
Without you here to distract me
from the darkness of the world
with your light,
I feel everything
so much more intensely.
With each passing day,
it’s getting harder and harder to fight
back against all of the ugly.
I wish you were here.
Everything was so much easier
when I thought that you loved me.
I never wanted to be that girl
whose entire world
becomes uprooted
by the man who walked away.
My paintings hang crooked
on my Mama’s wall.
I used to straighten them,
but now,
it’s like
I don’t even care at all.
Everything about me
just feels so unbalanced
without you here.
The church bells outside my window
remind me of you.
I hadn’t heard them in years.
I don’t know if they were broken,
or if maybe,
it was just me.
I have spent so much of my life
refusing to listen.
I listen harder to everything now,
desperate
to catch the sound of your laughter
one last time
in impossible places,
like the streets
and grocery stores
of towns
you have probably never even set foot in.
I’m not even sure
which version of God
I believe in anymore,
but I will always
believe in you.
You are a Miracle
lighting up every room
you walk into
without even knowing,
and I’m just a girl
with a crooked halo
that barely even glows.
Without you here,
everything
just feels
so unholy.
Without you,
even Heaven
is a broken home.
© Gina Clingan 2020
